Looking for a Beginning
by HauntedReality
Summary: Post Season 7, doesn't follow comics, that I know of . Buffy is feeling like she will never be able to find love if she doesn't give it a chance to take her, but will she find the love that is standing right in front of her?
1. Chapter 1

Buffy sighed, knowing that she should be doing something other than sitting here feeling sorry for herself. She had been bought time by Andrew so that she could find her place in this new world, but she didn't know if she could resign herself to a life alone. That's what seemed to be happening right now. Her friends were all busy with helping the new recruits prepare for anything that could happen.

She didn't know if she could even trust her own emotions anymore. They had led her into irrational situations before. She sighed softly thinking about Spike. He had loved her enough to go and get himself ensouled. She didn't know if she deserved to be loved. Everyone that had ever loved her she had hurt. Angel, Riley, her mother, Spike... everyone. There wasn't anyone that wasn't affected by her self destructive behavior. She wondered if maybe they should have left her in the ground.

Maybe she should just get it over with and go to Giles in England, he had wanted her input on somethings there and said that she could search for what she was seeking there just as easily as she could here.

She had told Dawn, Xander, Willow, and Faith that she might be leaving soon. She had said that she should be in England to help Giles rebuild the Watcher's Council. Perhaps they would be able to take the stuffiness out of the new council. She hoped that while she was there she could work on her issues with love. She walked over to her case and packed up some of her weapons. She started opening drawers, packing her suitcase with all the things she thought that she would need. Panties, shirts, sweaters, jeans... stakes. The necessities.

"Where are you going?" Dawn asked, leaning against the door frame. She was eating a cookie.

Buffy could smell the scent of the freshly baked cookies coming from the kitchen downstairs. It reminded her of her mother. She closed her eyes, and fought back the sudden swell of tears that threatened to overwhelm her. She sighed softly, counting to fifty quietly to herself before she opened them again.

Buffy looked over at her sister and sighed. "I'm going to England to give Giles a hand." Her reply was short and to the point. She didn't want Dawn to know that she felt alone in the crowded ex-boarding house. She had felt like she had been missing something all of this time.

Dawn sighed audibly. "Do you want me to come with you? I could just pack my stuff and go with you. It could be like a road trip, but instead of a car or bus, in a plane... and they serve peanuts!" She looked hopefully at Buffy.

"I think you should stay here and be mini-Giles for Willow and Faith. Plus, whose going to keep Xander from killing the little slayerettes?" Buffy said, walking over to her little sister. She tucked her sister's hair behind her ears. "I think that I need to talk to Giles about some things and work on getting ready for the next apocalypse."

Dawn nodded her head. Buffy saw the disappointment on her sister's face. She pulled her sister into a hug. "I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise." She smoothed her hands over her sister's hair, and down her back, stroking the younger girl's hair like she remembered doing so many times before in their life.

Buffy leaned back from her sister and smiled. She could tell that Dawn wanted to argue with her. She appreciated that her little sister held it in so that she could feel like the strong one.

Buffy let go of her little sister and picked up her suitcase. She kissed the younger girl's cheek before walking out of her room. She walked down the hall to Xander's room and knocked quietly.

Xander opened the door, rubbing his good eye. The other still was covered with a patch. Willow and Giles had both been looking for a spell to change that, but hadn't come up with anything that would work. She knew that all of Xander's joking about joining a pirate crew only showed how scared he was that it would never be better. She leaned up and kissed him softly on the cheek.

He looked down at her confused. "What's going on Buff? Are we in bizarre-o land again, because I haven't tried to have anyone cast any spells..." He looked genuinely worried.

"I need you to do me two... well three favors." She said quietly, not wanting Dawn to hear her.

"Name it B. You know you can count on me for anything." He replied, leaning against the door frame.

"One... I need you to watch Dawn while I'm gone. I know she's a big girl and all that jazz, but I want you to look out for her how you've always looked out for me," Buffy smiled softly at one of her oldest friends. Xander had always saved her in a pinch, or at least tried to come to her rescue.

"I can do that... wait... did you say gone? Where ya going B?" Xander asked. "Is it a top secret mission, because you know you can tell me anything right? I still remember all those military codes, so I can get you the hook up if you need it."

"I'm going to England to help Giles out, and sort some things out," she said.

He frowned. "Sort what out B? Come in and let's chat. I can help you sort anything out."

She looked up at him and shook her head. "I can't Xander. I've got to go to England. There are some questions that I need answered, and there's this gnawing at my stomach telling me that I'll find my answers there," she said, her voice wavering slightly. She felt the first tear roll down her cheek, and wiped it away angrily. "Xander, I really need you to just do me these favors and then I'll fill you in on everything later."

Xander sighed softly and leaned against the door frame. "I'll do anything for you B, you know that."

The honesty of that statement stung Buffy like a million of bees. She knew that he would do anything for her. He gave up his eye fighting a battle that she knew he shouldn't have been in, but that was all ancient history.

She felt like maybe she should just stay so that maybe she could put a glimmer of happiness back into his remaining brown eye. It was dark with the turmoil that she knew boiled beneath his quiet exterior. He had grown quiet in their time since leaving Sunnydale and LA. How she missed his laughter. She didn't realize until this moment how much she had in fact missed the happy go lucky Xander that they had left in Sunnydale. She thought about all the times that they had laughed together and all the times that they had cried together and all the times that they'd nearly died together. It felt like her heart was being torn into a million pieces again. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and she couldn't stand him to have to watch her cry again for the millionth time.

She dropped her suitcase on the floor and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his chest. She could hear his heart beating beneath the surface. It was strong, steady and sure, just like Xander was in her life. Strong. Steady. Sure. He was a bit surprised at first, then wrapped his arms around her, enfolding her in his love for her. He laid his cheek against the top of her head, and closed his eye. Buffy felt like she had never been safer in her life, but knew that it might be too good to be true.

She didn't want to hurt him if she couldn't actually love him. She didn't want to hurt one of her best friends in the whole world because she found herself attracted to him. She would not ruin their friendship for a fling. It wasn't worth it. She had to know what was broken and fix it before she ruined all the friendships she had left. Spike was one thing, but if she hurt Xander that way she'd never forgive herself.

Xander kissed the top of her head and let out a soft sigh. "What is it Buffy? What's so important that you've got to run away like this?" His words came out soft and knowing. She felt as though he had cut through all of the crap that she was using as excuses for leaving. She felt tears brim her eyes, threatening to overflow.

She pulled back from him and looked at the ground in front of her. She shifted back and forth on the balls of her feet. He put a finger under her chin and shook his head. "B... you can't just run from things. Come inside and talk to me... We've been through so much, I can help you with this."

Buffy looked at him and sighed. "That's the problem... We've been through so much, and I don't know if I can talk to you about this or Willow or Dawn or anyone. I think that I have to sort this out by myself. I really need you to do those favors for me. I can't do this without you, and its important that I do this." She listened to herself. Her words ran in circles. She knew that. But she was starting to not be able to hold back from the emotional outburst that she knew was coming. She wanted to be a long way from the boarding house when that happened. She didn't want Xander to have to see this. She didn't want anyone to see this.

Xander sighed softly, he knew that Buffy wouldn't budge. "I'll do anything B... just let me know what I need to do." He said, his voice filled with resignation. He had given up. Buffy could hear that in his voice.

"Take care of Dawn, Take care of Willow. And most important... Take care of yourself," she said looking up at him. Her eyes were glistening with tears that she refused to shed in front of him.

A single tear slid down Xander's cheek as he nodded his head. Buffy reached up and smoothed it away. She caressed his face softly and pulled it down so that she could kiss him on the cheek softly. "I'll be back... I promise... Not even death could stand in my way... Remember?" She said trying to lighten the mood.

"Call us when you get to London?" he asked, ignoring her joke. He knew in his heart that if he lost Buffy again then nothing in his life would make any sense anymore.

She nodded her head. She made herself meet his gaze. "I'll call you when I get there... could you do one more thing for me?" She asked quietly.

He nodded his head. "Anything B."

"Hug me?" she asked quietly. There was a slight waver to her voice.

He gathered her in his arms, holding her tightly. He wanted to keep her here with him like this. He wanted to hold her. To comfort her, to be her everything. He felt like out of anything in the world, this was the one thing he wanted... her.

She squeezed him back and the let go of him quickly, grabbing her stuff. She seemed to run down the stairs. She looked back only once as she got to the bottom of the stairs. Even at that distance she could see the tears that she had caused in his one beautiful eye. She turned back quickly and walked out of the boarding house. She hailed a cab, telling the driver to take her to JFK and step on it.


	2. Chapter 2

Xander watched Buffy leave from the window to his room. He felt like she was taking a piece of him with her. He wished that she didn't have to go, but understood. He wanted to just pack up and go after her, but remembered his promises to her. To watch after Dawn, Willow, and himself... She had made his heart stop when she asked him that, because it was something that he had longed to hear from her. He had so long wished that she would just fall in love with him. He had never given up hope that one day she might fall in love with him. But he had resigned himself to side kick hood. He was doomed to be her lackey, never her knight in shining armor.

He leaned against the windowsill, the sky was as gloomy as he felt. He pulled on his leather jacket that she had helped him pick out. He wanted to at least see her off at the airport if he couldn't keep her there with him. He walked down the stairs of the boarding house and out into the drizzling day. He pulled the neck of his jacket up and headed down the street, wanting to get her flowers before he hailed a cab.

The rain was coming down steady against the windows of the cab. Buffy sighed softly, looking out the window of the taxi, watching as the boarding house became just a speck on the horizon before disappearing completely. She felt like she was leaving a piece of herself behind. She felt like she should just turn around. She tapped on the glass between her and the taxi driver. "Stop the taxi... I've changed my mind. I want out."

The taxi driver rolled his eyes and pulled over. She shoved a twenty through the slot and said for him to keep the change. She pulled the suitcase behind her on its wheels. She couldn't help running. She felt like she should hurry home to him. She ran a couple of blocks and saw him standing at a flower vendor. She dropped the handle of the suitcase and ran at him full force.

Xander found a nice bouquet of daises... white ones, exactly the ones she would love. He handed them to the woman behind the register and he looked up the street. He saw her running towards him. He put his hand up and walked away from the vendor. He ran towards her, intent on meeting her part way.

Buffy slowed down, and then flung herself into his arms. She kissed him deeply, her fingers entwining themselves into his hair. She held his face where she wanted it, exploring his mouth with hers.

Xander hadn't expected this, but wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him. He kissed her back, his tongue exploring her mouth. He had never felt so much before. He felt like he was going to over load from sensation.

Buffy released him from her death grip and let herself slid down so her feet could be on the ground. She looked up and she saw his one beautiful eye searching her face. She caressed his face gently with her hands, cupping it. She rose on her toes and kissed him deeply again, forcing any doubt from his eyes. Her mouth demanded from his and his kiss offered all of her needs. He was gentle, sure and hers.

Xander searched her face for what he thought he felt in her kiss. He found it in her eyes. She was his. She hadn't left because she wanted to be here with him. He gathered her in his arms as she kissed him again, holding her close to him. He forgot anything about her going.

She pulled back, and took a deep breath. She looked again into those eyes and saw no trace of the dark turmoil that she once saw raging behind them, instead his eyes shone with his love. She entwined her fingers with his.

"So... where do you want to go? We can go home... or somewhere just for us," Xander asked.

Buffy looked up at him and smiled. She couldn't help but laugh.

"Alright... we can go home," he sounded like she had hurt his feelings by laughing at him.

"No... Xander I'm not laughing at you," she said kissing him softly. "I just liked the sound of you saying us... because that's what we are right... an us."

He grinned. "I guess that's exactly what we are right now... an us..." he felt a bit nervous acknowledging it. "But only if you want us to be..." His mind screamed inside of him. He wanted them to be an us more than anything.

Buffy smiled softly. "I think that an us is what we need. But we need to take the seriousness slow... because you know I'm terrible with relationships..." she said, admitting her biggest downfall was relationships.

He put his arm around her. "We can take it as slow as you want... because all I want out of this is to be with you. To be honest... That's all I've ever really wanted... since I met you," he rambled.

Buffy couldn't help but giggle when he started rambling. It sounded so girly and feminine to Xander. It was a sound he hadn't heard in a while, at least not since their stop in L.A. He couldn't help but get satisfaction in the fact that he could bring out that in her, even if it was because he babbled like an idiot. He pulled her closer, his face serious. He leaned down, kissing her gently. It silenced those giggles, and brought her arms up around his neck. They stood there kissing in the rain for what seemed an eternity. But he didn't mind the rain. He pulled back when she started shivering. He picked up her suitcase and lugged it along with them, his other arm wrapped around her. He felt her arm go around his waist, her other's fingers entwined with his.


	3. Chapter 3

They walked back to the old boarding house in silence, but it was the most comfortable silence either of them had experienced since leaving Sunnydale. No dark sense of foreboding. No impending doom. No need for words to cover anything up. He leaned over and kissed the top of his slayer's head. Her head leaned against his shoulder, her body relaxing into a comfortable line against his as his arm wrapped around her, and hers slid around his waist.

He opened the door when they got there, and lead her up to his room, not paying attention to anything except getting her out of her soaked clothes. He closed the door to his room and turned to her. She stood in the center of his room as he had imagined so many times before, except for her being wet. He had never remembered imagining that. She seemed nervous all of a sudden, very not imaginary Buffy. Imaginary Buffy was always confident and usually spouting off bad lines from a porno.

He sat her suitcase down and walked over to her. He gathered her in his arms and kissed her deeply, his tongue exploring her mouth. He seemed to catch her off guard, but she quickly relaxed into the kiss, returning it with her own passion, her arms sliding around his waist. _'So much better than imaginary Buffy'_ he thought as he slid his hand under the neck of her jacket. He slid it down, the wet material was heavy and took little effort for it to fall off of her and onto his floor.

Her hands slid up under his shirt, pulling it up as she trailed her fingertips over his bare skin. She dropped the shirt to the floor unceremoniously. She looked up into his eye. She caressed the cheek under his patch gently. Her eyes pooled with tears that she would never shed in front of him. She mourned the fact that her friend had lost a part of himself trying to help her. She stood on her toes and kissed his patch gently, not wanting to cause him any pain. She leaned over a little, he closed his eye. She kissed his eyelid gently. Her lips the barest whisper against his skin.

As her lips pressed gently against his eyelid, he released a breath he hadn't even remembered taking. She looked up at him as his eyes opened, her eyes said it all. She didn't have to say a word. She slid off her shirt and shimmied out of her jeans. She moved back from him and sat down on the bed. Slowly she slid back on it, beckoning him towards her with her eyes.

_'So very much better than imaginary Buffy' _he thought as he slid his pants off. He crawled up the bed, and laid next to her. She laid down next to him and smiled. It felt like his heart was going to explode from all the happiness that one smile had brought to him. He hadn't seen her smile like that for so long, he had worried that she had forgotten how to. He put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. He kissed her forehead. He closed his eyes and laid his cheek against the top of her head, breathing slowly.

The rain trickled slowly down from the sky outside. They could see it from where they laid on his bed. A rogue sunbeam had managed to trickle down from a small opening in the clouds. That sunbeam reminded him of her smile and laugh. He smiled, knowing that she'd smile again for him. He closed his eyes and thanked god that he was alive to see this, to experience it. He prayed that he'd be able to remember them all of his life, because he had finally gotten all that he had ever wanted. He got his beautiful slayer, the woman that had always had a special place in his heart. She had been the reason that he had gone on. She had been the reason that he had broken off his engagement to Anya. He She had been his reason to breathe for the past year. It was all her.

Buffy looked up at him and couldn't help but smile. She didn't remember the last time she had been this happy. She moved up so that she could kiss his lips. Their kiss was tender at first, a bare press of lips, a caress of tongues, a gentle need for the other. Her hands explored his chest, tracing the muscles that had developed in the past year. He had trained with her in the basement every night, not wanting her to be alone in fighting her demons. He had always insisted on going for a jog with her in the early morning hours, claiming if he couldn't work, the least he could do was keep in shape. She remembered watching as he moved in the basement His muscles flexing as they moved. She had taught him Ti-Chi. He had taught her how to laugh again. She had strengthened his body. He had strengthened her heart. Now she felt like he had always held it in his hands. It had always been destined to belong to him.

Their caresses grew heated as their desire moved them. Her mouth explored his, their tongues entwined in a sensuous dance. She rolled onto her back, pulling her with him. His hands slid down her body, she arched up against him as one of his hands slid along her leg to her knee, moving it up against his side. He slowly slid into her body, her arms wrapped tightly around him. When his body was fully sheathed in her, they moved slowly, their bodies moving as one. His hands explored her body as they moved, caressing her body gently. His rough hands making the soft petting much more fulfilling than anything she had felt in her life.

Her breath came out in soft pants as they made love, his in soft moans as he thrust into her body. Her hands slid down his back, feeling the muscles move as he moved inside her. She moaned, calling out his name as his body caressed her g spot. She wrapped her legs around him, holding him tightly to her body. As their love making came to its peak, she came, her body arching up against him, tightening. She felt his motion become jerky as he came, her name, the one thing that fell from his lips before he pressed them to her own.

He slid out of her body and laid back on the bed. His breath was shallow and fast, as he willed his heart to slow down. He pulled her over into his arms. She laid her head on his shoulder and smiled contently as her fingers lazily traced patterns on his skin. A small contented sigh left her lips as she closed her eyes. He rubbed his arm up and down her arm, enjoying the feeling of her next to him. He sat up pulling the covers over them, and laid back down. She snuggled back against him as he re-situated himself.

"Xander..." She said quietly.

"Hmmm?" He asked his eyes closed.

"Thank you..." She said.

"For what B?" He asked, looking down at her with his one good eye.

"For being you and never giving up on me." she said before kissing him softly.

He smiled softly at her. "There's nothing in this world, or any other for that matter that would have made me give up on you." He kissed her forehead and closed his eyes.

She listened as his breathing became shallow and she could tell that he was asleep. She looked at him and smoothed a stray lock of hair from his face. She unsnapped the patch and put it over on the bedside table, before snuggling back down next to him. She smiled softly and felt herself being lulled into sleep. Her words were a bare whisper in the air around them as she drifted off.

"I love you Xander..."


End file.
